I will die if light touches me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I deserve this hangover.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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