and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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