Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Bring me that man meat
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
