Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
