no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
