party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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