just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
