if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
