Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
