I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
