I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
