i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
