So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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