I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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