So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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