where am i from again
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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