how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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