it hurts more in the daytime
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
