sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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