I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
