Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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