Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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