Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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