hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize