Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
