Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
