When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
