I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
