Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
