Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
