who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
