In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
