The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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