my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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