i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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