Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
