Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
