I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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