I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
