I love watching others lives come down to our level.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
