my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
