I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
