You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
