And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
