My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
