i may or may not be watching the land before time
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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