Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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