broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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