your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
