Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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